On Shame and Guilt

Shame is one of the most powerful and dangerous emotions we carry. In my words, “shame is the feeling that something is deeply wrong with us—not just with something we did, but with who we are”. It makes us feel unworthy, wrong, isolated, frozen, or even paralysed. It’s not logical or fair; shame doesn’t care about context. It tells us that we, as people, are bad, unworthy, less.

Shame can come from anything. We might feel it because we struggle with something others find easy, like maths. Or because we have a different past, or different hobbies, or don’t earn as much. Maybe we feel ashamed because of how we look, or because we don’t fit into gender norms. Maybe we have mental or physical disabilities. Maybe we eat meat or drive a car, or we don't go to protests, or can't afford to change certain habits even if we want to. Shame can stem from anything, big or small—what’s important is how it makes us feel.

And the feeling is always the same: we feel stamped as being less. Like we’re not allowed to speak, exist, feel joy, or take part. We feel like no matter what we do, it’ll never be enough—because we are, at our core, “wrong.”

When someone feels shame the result is usually one of three things:

We retreat and shrink ourselves, tell ourselves we’re less as we give in to others .
We give up and continue the behaviour because, “well, I’m already bad, so why bother.”
Or we go on the attack—pushing back at those who judged us, leading us to build up walls.

None of these responses lead to growth. They all lead to disconnection, isolation, and even more shame. And most of us don’t actually want that. Most of us just want to feel seen, loved, connected. To feel like we matter—even if we’re not perfect.

Let me break it down with a simple example. What’s easier to admit to hearing?:

“That was dumb —what you did” or “what you did hurt me a lot”
or
“You’re dumb —for the thing you did” or “you’re so hurtful"

*At the bottom of the page are proper examples that make it more clear. If needed of want to read.

In the first case, it’s about the action. You can learn, apologise, or do better next time. In the second example, it’s essentially about you. There’s no way out. You either accept that you are bad—or deny it and build up walls. Either way, you’re alone. And nothing changes.

This is where guilt comes in. Guilt, unlike shame, is about actions, not identity. When we feel guilty, we can acknowledge that something we did wasn’t right or hurt someone or something – even if unintentionally –, we can act responsibly and be accountable. Guilt can lead to reflection, repair, and change. Shame just leads to silence.

You don’t need to be told you’re dumb to feel shame. If you already don’t feel valid in your existence, the smallest things can trigger it. I feel it when I take a plane—I know it’s not great for the climate, and that makes it hard for me to even think about alternatives or talk about it openly. But when we don’t talk about what we’re ashamed of, we don’t change. We just sit in it, alone.

So here’s what I believe: WE are all valid. I’m not saying everything we do is fine or harmless. I’m saying that our existence—our being—is not wrong. We all make mistakes. We all do things that hurt others or the planet. That doesn’t make us worthless. We can still be accountable and take responsibility.

And this doesn’t just apply to the actions we do. Who you are is valid—whether you rely on others, feel different, look or sound different, earn differently, live differently, or believe differently. None of those things make you less deserving.

Before we can really act, we need to feel valid and connected. That’s the first step. You can’t join in if you feel like you’re not allowed to. So here’s how we begin:

Work to feel that you are valid and worthy—and that everyone else is too.
Identify your shame triggers. What makes you retreat, disconnect, or aggress.
Talk about them. And when someone shares theirs—validate them. Sit with it. Laugh, if it helps. I really believe laughter is a cure for shame.

You can demand climate action and still drive a car. You can push for justice and still buy stuff. What matters is that when the chance comes to change like when voting, then you take action. If you’re not, I might say your choice was pretty dumb (not you—your choice!). But that’s okay. I hope you recognise it, reflect, and do better next time.

Summary (but not a checklist):

Shame makes us feel like our being is wrong.
Guilt lets us take responsibility without losing our sense of self.
Shame can come from anywhere, even things that seem small or illogical.
We can work with it by:

Knowing we’re worthy and valid
Recognising our triggers
Talking about them and validating each other

No one is more deserving than others.
It could just as easily have been us in need of help.
Help where you can, when you can.
If you can’t, don’t feel ashamed. But if you feel bad, that’s okay too.

You’re not alone in this. None of us are. Let’s try not to make each other feel like we are.

Below are some examples if one wants to read.

Situations with oneself

Examples of Guilt (action-focused)

👉 Situation: You interrupt someone in a meeting without realizing.

Guilt reaction (helpful): “Oops, I cut you off, sorry—please continue.” (Acknowledges action, opens repair, easy to move forward).

👉 Situation: You forgot to recycle something and notice later.

Guilt reaction (helpful): “Next time I’ll pay attention, I’ll put it in the right bin.” (Admits slip, builds learning, no identity crisis).

👉 Situation: You raised your voice at a friend when stressed.

Guilt reaction (helpful): “I didn’t mean to snap, I was stressed. I’ll try to pause before reacting next time. Are you okay?” (Owns up, repairs relationship).

Examples of Shame (identity-focused)

👉 Situation: You interrupt someone in a meeting.

Shame reaction (problematic): “I’m such a rude person, I always ruin things.” (Turns action into identity, makes it about you being bad → no repair).

👉 Situation: You forgot to recycle something.

Shame reaction (problematic): “I’m a hypocrite, I don’t even care enough about the planet.” (Closes conversation, paralyzes change).

👉 Situation: You raised your voice at a friend.

Shame reaction (problematic): “I’m a terrible friend, they must hate me.” (Self-attack → no apology, no repair, distance grows).

Situations with other people

Guilt-inviting (action-focused, constructive)

👉 Situation: A friend arrives late to dinner.

Action-focused phrasing: “Hey, when you show up late, it makes me feel like my time isn’t valued.”
(Focuses on the action → leaves space for apology and repair.)

👉 Situation: A colleague forgets to send an email.

Action-focused phrasing: “The email didn’t go out, and it caused a delay. Can you resend it today?”
(Focuses on what happened, not who they are.)

👉 Situation: Someone snaps in frustration.

Action-focused phrasing: “When you raise your voice, it makes it harder for me to stay calm.”
(Addresses the behavior, opens dialogue.)

Shame-inducing (identity-focused, destructive)